Lullaby
by miss.will.i.amz
Summary: A death of a child is unfair. For Bella and her Ex Husband Edward they know this pain too well. Life goes on wether you want it to or not. Will love still conquire all and heal wounds? broken hearts can be healed not all doom and gloom AH Adult themes.


A/N I have personally dealt with situations which will arise throughout this story. I have tried to write my own emotions into this. Even when life can kick you to your darkest point, there is always light.

Most Characters used in this story are property of Stephanie Meyer and her world of Twilight.

**lullaby  


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_The death of a baby is like a stone cast into the stillness of a quiet pool;_

_the concentric ripples of despair sweep out in all directions,_

_affecting many, many people._

_-De Frain, 1991_

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Bella-

I've had better days and much worse but waking up toady it's... today it's just hard. The world feels just that little bit heavier. Its not raining which is a rare thing here in Forks, maybe I should take it as a good sign. My second day visiting my parents and its dry. Maybe a cause for celebration.

"Bella are you up?" My sister Nessie shouts in, bell in every tooth that girl.

"No, go away." I reply from under my covers but she barges in anyway.

"I need to ask you a very important favour!" When Nessie asks for a favour it's normally of the "_can you lend me money_" kind. "Can I live with you in Seattle until I get settled into my own place?" Before I even have chance to respond shes prattles on " It would be excellent to live with my sister, it would save me money,dad would be extremely happy, you could do with the company and I'm neat!" Nessie, like our older brother Emmett has ways of getting everything they want with just one look but actually her idea isn't so bad, this time.

"Let me think about it Ness and just wanna.." I start to say.

"Oh thank you Bells, you wont regret it!" She squeals excited cutting me off and bounces out of my room she really reminds me of Al.. of an old friend.

Forks is naturally beautiful, the greens and brown that melt into each other and its a great place to capture emotions through mother nature. As a freelance photographer it's priceless, some of my most popular pictures are ones taken from my parents back yard. When I was younger I used to spend hours in the wood, exploring and snapping with my camera. Back then it was a chunky hunk of metal but still my favourite thing in the world, well almost favourite thing. I try avoid Forks as much as possible, too many memories I want to forget about and too many faces who still look at me with pity in their eyes.

"Bella would you mind popping down the shop for some milk? Nessie just used the last of it." My mother called from the backdoor, I guess I have to drag myself from my safe place and face the big old nasty world.

I grabbed the money and the shopping list, since I was going to the shop I may as well get everything else we have run out of or will run out of soon. Over the years nothing has changed in this town, its nice that something in the world remains the same. It was already 2pm, time flies when you do nothing.

Milk _check_

Bread _check_

Pop tarts c_heck_

"Bells?" I heard the voice call behind me, that one simple word _Bells, _she called me Bells who's Bells? It was me the person I used to be, happy, fun and full of life but that died the same day _she_ did what right does this person, a stranger to me now to call me that. I can feel those eyes staring at me, standing a few feet behind me I felt as thought I had been punched in my chest and I could no longer breathe. Was it sorrow from a name that used to represent me or anger for the person calling me it. How dare she?

"Alice." My voice whispered through gritted teeth, trying to stop the anger from exploding from inside me, I turned avoiding looking at her face, looking those green eyes. _His eyes_

"How are you? you look.. better." I managed the courage to look at her straight on, big mistake, I could already feel the pricks of tears waiting to shed and the blood rushing to my face, first she insults me with a name and then comments on my appearance, which is none of her concern.

"I'm fine thanks, I have to go Renee is waiting on me." I rushed out words and spun around so fast that I lost my train of thought, paid for my 3 items not bothering to wait for change, ignoring the calls from the checkout girl and ran as fast as I could to my car, where the tears fell from me and the sobs broke out. Why did she have to be there at that exact same time? Hasn't God fucked me up enough? I need to get from Forks, I can't handle anymore encounters.

The drive back to my parents was a haze, the rest of whole fucking day was. I remember packing my bags, shouting and hitting the walls. Breaking my heart to thin air. I knew today was going to be a bad day, I knew it. I can remember my mother pleading with me to tell her what brought this on, my father asking was I still taking my mediation. Nessie was crying I think, I just didn't care I was suffocating everything I kept tightly wound was coming undone. With a blink of my eye I was back at my apartment staring at the celling wondering what the hell just happened? How one word can just undo four years of struggling to be a shadow of a normal happy. healthy human being.

Four years its been _almost four years _

The last year has been easier, I've even caught myself smiling but then guilt would take over and the smile would fade. I think I laughed once, or maybe it was dream. My nightmares have stopped. but strip away the horrors and all I have left are memories and that's worse. I can remember everything in vivid detail, and it hurts allot more than any nightmare because I know that they were real and the pain with them memories are very real. Before I know I have my coat on and im walking, my feet are heading someplace to fast for my brain to respond or protest and there it is right in front of me, the reason for every breakdown, every heart ache, the loneliness is staring my in face.

The white marble stone in front of me, mocking me. Taunting me with it's cruel words making everything so real, no nightmare can compare to this reality.

_Carlie Esme Cullen_

_Born April 1st 2004 - Died April 3rd 2006_

_An angel in the book of life  
Wrote down our babies birth  
And whispered as she closed the book  
Too beautiful for this earth_

Sometimes I wonder if she was ever real. This is the only proof I have that she existed, everything else the photos, videos, toys, clothes are gone. This stone is the only really soild evidence to the world that she lived. She was this funny little thing, her daddy's brilliant green eyes, my brown hair. To look at she was a perfect blend of both me and Edward.

_Edward._

Edward isn't a name I have though of in a while, I try not to think his name. My heart belongs half to him and half to Carlie and without either I am a shell. I pushed him away, I blamed him at one point I even hated him._ He _saved other children's lives, why couldn't save ours. I was the one who left, who filed for divorce, who gave up. From the moment I met him, I knew that his was my soul mate and I gave my soul entirely to him. Now with no heart or soul to share with the world, I often wonder what do I have left to give?

Something caught my eye blowing in the wind, something that's been knocked off its place. It's a red rose, its been placed today. It has a note attached to it.`

"Happy Valentines Day Carlie, love you always Daddy x" underneath the note there was a red love heart cutout, I dont know what compelled me but I put the heart in my pocket.

Its February 14th I realize, Edwards been here today. A smile catches my face.

_Mama smile, your pretty when you smile_

I'm dreaming again, I hear her when I dream.

_Don't be sad Mama_

"I love you baby girl"

Exhaustion consumed me, it was a cold night but it didn't matter.

_I love you too_.

Edward-

"Happy almost Valentines Day !" A high pitched voice came from behind me followed by a giggle.

"Happy almost Valentines Day Ava, what are you doing out of bed?" I asked smiling at the mischievous 5 year old.

"I needed to stretch my legs! Sitting down all day is a pain in butt!" She pouted, putting her arms on hips. I had to smile at her, she was one feisty character!

"You know that specially little girls like you need to be in bed, pain in the butt or not!"

"I know I know, I'll be going now. I just want to give you this" The little girl passed me a love heart cutout.

"Well what is this?" I asked

"The valentine hearts, my momma gave me it. She said that I have to pass it one to my valentine and then they will pass it one to their valentine and it'll stop at the person who's meant to have it." She said and then skipped off back to her bed.

I was taken aback by this gesture. This is the reason I loved my job. I knew since before I could remember that I wanted to be a Doctor just like my father, just after Carlie was born I knew I wanted to go into paediatrics. Children are the most rewarding of patients, like today for example. It was almost midnight, so it would soon be Feb 14th and I knew I the only person I wanted to give this heart too way far away.

After Carlie died it was hard, very hard. Bella pushed me away, had to blame someone, had to hate someone. I watched as the woman I loved was scrapped from the inside out, she was hollow. She was bitter and angry. Not only did I try to stay strong for Bella but I had to for myself, inside I was this broken man, crying, mourning. Our marriage went downhill fast, counselling didn't help and I had given up being strong. When Bella filed for divorce, I broke down. Spent weeks in my mother Esme's arms crying like a baby. When it was finalized it almost killed me, I sold our house, and ran away to Chicago I drank myself into oblivion. Until one night in my drunk haze, I heard her, or I heard someone call to me, beg me to live.

That same night I promised to whoever was listening that I would live, for my little girl. I would be the best damn doctor there was, where there was nothing I could do for my daughter I would make sure I'd be there for someone Else's. My job can be equally as devastating as rewarding. Ava will most probably not live past her 7th birthday. In a job surrounded by death its easy to forget your own loss, I think in the beginning that's why I stuck at the long hours. I never forgot, but it didn't sting so much when your numb for being completely exhausted.

I got home at 1:20 am, still with the cutout heart weighing heavy in my pocket. I noticed my voicemail flashing, I bet my life its Alice.

"Edward, got some great news! Alec proposed! So I'm heading to mom's for a few days. Would be great if you brought your sorry ass back to Forks to celebrate! anyway get back to me when you get this!" I smiled at my machine, I'm so happy her. Alec seems like a really nice guy.

I looked at the clock again 1:23 am, I pulled out Ava's gift and re-listened to my sisters message. What the hell, Fork's it is. I booked the first flight that was available at 6am, and packed. When I got off in Seattle I phoned Alice, and let it ring before hanging up, this will be a nice suprise for her instead. Before I made arrangement to go to Forks, there was one place I had to go first; to see my valentine.

_Flashback:_

_"Most Parents like to chose a shaped stone, something childlike. We have many different examples in the book if you'd like to look." The oldish man who's name I couldn't recall offered._

_"White marble." Bella announced, snapping out of her zombie state._

_"White marble?" The undertaker inquired_

_"I want something simple, nothing fancy. My baby is dead no Disney fucking princess headstone can make a difference." Bella snapped with pure venom oozing out of her. Both the undertaker and myself where speechless and with that she got out of her seat and walked out. I knew that tonight would be another big argument over this.  
_

_"I'm so sorry she just... not herself obviously." I tried to explain her actions but the undertaker, Peter that's what his name is was very understanding. We choose a white marble stone, it was very simple yet elegant._

_"What would you like the inscription to be?" Peter asked, I guess my blank face answered his question. "Don't worry , talk to your wife and call me when you have decided. And again, I'm very sorry for your loss._

In the end Bella had nothing to do with the inscription she was too distraught, she accused me of rushing her to bury her daughter and that she could see how I just wanted to get this over with. I knew deep down she didn't mean those words but they hurt the same none the less. Charlie was the one who found the poem which I loved, it was very teary when he first read it aloud .

"Happy Valentines Day Princess." I said to my daughter. "Daddy bought you a rose, a beautiful flower for a very beautiful girl." I didnt realize I was crying until I felt a warm drop in my cheek.

"A little girl back home, told me to give this to a very special valentine. She said that whoever it was meant for will get it one way or another. So here you are peanut." I smiled as I placed the rose and heart down.

"I promise to come back soon Carlie. I have to go now and congratulate your crazy Aunt Alice. I love you Angel." I gave the stone a kiss and left before I came completely undone.

The drive to Forks felt longer than it was, too many memories where creeping back up, as I entered the town I don't know why but I do the turn that would lead me down the street where the Swan's live. As I drove closer the Bella's childhood home I cursed myself for torturing myself for no reason, and like a movie in slow motion there was the house, and there she was. Bella. My Bella. She still was beautiful, thinner but still my Bella.

It looked like she was crying and packing up her car before I could get a good look at the scene I had already passed. Saddened by that image my mood when I did reach my parents wasn't in a celebrating mood. I got out of the car and knocked the door. It took a while but my father eventually answered looking as grim as I felt.

"Edward? How are you? I mean why are you here? " He asked shocked.

"Well that's nice, where's my hello my only son I'm so glad your here!" I joked trying to lighten the mood.

"Edward?" My mother gasped from the living room, running at me and holding me so tight.

"I love you too mom." I whispered to her cuddling her back.

I walked into the room to see Alice on the sofa with blood shoot eyes, and tissues around her. Alec stroking her back.

"Alice?" I asked scared my voice would break her, she looked so delicate. "What's happened?" I saw my mother and father give each other a look.

"What's going on?" I asked worried about the reply.

"I saw Bella today, and she ran away from me. I saw here crying in her car Edward. I made her cry! I hurt her, I'm such an awful person!" and with that came another bought of sobs from my tiny sister. I guess that would explain Bella's state. The way Bella was the last time I saw here, I honestly didn't think that time would heal her and well I guess things are still very raw for her.

Where Carlie is concerned my family are very open about her, they talk about her all the time. They remember not mourn so I knew what to say to steer away from the Bella incident

"I gave Carlie a Rose for Valentines today." And with that all four people looked at me and smiled.

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I hope you've liked so far, next chapter isn't as emotion.

reviews really help so please ... review :D


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